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Kilala20000's avatar

Am I happy? I suppose so...

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    I'm guessing you're reading this because you read the title and saw the mature content on it, so I'll explain now. Please read everything before you tell me your thoughts on this. No this is not for attention or anything like that. I just want to get this out and have people know this.

    Depression is a funny thing, isn't it? It'll come up when you're at your worst and when you least expect it. I don't remember when it started, I think it was when Jax passed six years ago, but it's there like a tick that won't let go. Every day I try to bring happiness to others but I can't seem to keep any for my own. Ya know? It doesn't help that I have a history of people leaving me and not caring for me. And it seems like it's getting worse and worse everytime I make a new friend. After high school ended, I tried to hang out with my friends like we use to but everytime it came to the day where we were supposed to meet, SOMETHING had seem to come up. I have tried to talk to them but I barely get anything replied back and no one seems to want to talk to me. I have almost and I mean ALMOST given up on them. They are still my friends and I put others before me. It doesn't help that others think I’m fucking stupid because I’m fucking blonde! Well I’m sorry to say this but I’m not a stereotype! Even my own family does that, I mean come on family is supposed to support each other when you need them most, not tear you down and tell you that you're alone. I dosen’t help that when I get just a little bit of happiness, it gets taking from me in a couple of seconds. No one notices that I have fallen down this road but that’s because I have put up walls and put on a fake smile just for others. But those walls are cracking and I don’t know how much longer I can keep on smiling for… No one really asks if I’m ok and how my day has been. I ask others those questions, but I don’t get asked back. And It hurts, you know? It just seems like no one cares and they just forget about me. They don’t seem to see that I do nice things for them and I get nothing back in return. But it’s fine I guess but I’m tired of giving and giving and my kindness not getting returned. My only vents are music, anime, photography, drawing, youtube, horseback riding, and my singing. But those are starting to not help as much as I would like them too. And honestly I’m a little scared to tell someone in fear that they will leave me as well.

These are questions that have been going through my head in the past two years to now:
*Am I alone?
Well I don’t think so but it seems like it..

*Why bother staying?
Because I’m not willing to give up what I do have just yet.

*Who's going to be there if you get into a bad accident and are staying in the hospital for a long time?
I hope everyone comes to visit me.

*Can’t you just shut everyone out completely?
I could but I would miss talking to those who still talk to me.

    
And stuff like that.. So now that I’m finished with this rant/vent I’m gonna leave this for you guys to think about and tell me what comes to mind after you have thought about it for a little while, ok? Oh and those scars on my boy Warrior are the same scars on me. The ones on his back are from my cats but I interpret them as ‘cutting scars’. The rest are what I have done to myself. The one on his muzzle is from surgery from when I was really little. They all have healed and faded but the indents are still there and I know where each and everyone is and how I got them.

Image size
2643x1538px 1.16 MB
Make
LG Electronics
Model
LGLS991
Shutter Speed
1/281 second
Aperture
F/1.8
Focal Length
4 mm
ISO Speed
50
Date Taken
Oct 20, 2016, 11:07:47 PM
Mature
© 2016 - 2024 Kilala20000
Comments2
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hinto-namid's avatar
I have had a similiar problem since I finished school. All the people who were friends at school stopped seeing me and my single friend started travelling in England a year or two ago. I have found it very difficult to make new friends. I have met plenty of people but I have nothing in common with anyone. 

I have sort of gotten over feeling alone. I've occupied my time with my pets and hobbies/projects. Caring for my pets makes up for my lack of socialising. 

Long story short, its ok to feel down or lonely just as long as you know that its not the end of the world. It feels like it, but i assure you its not. Things will get slowly better. If you ever need some one to vent to, I'm here. :)